GayleSkidmore.com

I’m sitting by my bedroom window watching the rain (when I should be sleeping) and feeling the weighty presence of the last letter I received from my grandmother.  With the holidays rapidly approaching, I am dreading what I won’t receive this year.

It’s been an interesting year, to say the least.  I have been thinking a lot about this year… as a sum of events… as a collection of strange months… as something I would like to end, as something that has brought intense joy and pain…  I lost several people in my life who were very dear to me, I found love and then lost it, I got what I’ve wanted and found it did not satisfy, and found a deeper hope that does, restored broken friendships, broken off friendships, and found new and lasting ones.

Amidst some of the craziness I have had the most wonderful opportunities set before me– I have had the joy of recording the album I’ve dreamed about!  I’ve gotten to travel to Europe!  I finally visited Oxford again after many years, toured all over the place, and deepened some valuable friendships.

Things are so muddled in life sometimes.  I think the strangeness started this year with my birthday.  I got the opportunity to go to Disneyland for free with 3 very close friends! I was so excited to get there and spend the day in such a happy place with my dear friends… But within the first hour of arriving there I got a message that one of my best friends had passed away.  I still don’t feel like Rocky is gone.

We weren’t sure what to do with the news.  I knew that he was on his deathbed, but somehow I think that I still believed he’d pull through.  We ended up staying at Disneyland and trying to enjoy it, but it was very strange.  There were wonderful moments, but it was tainted.

I finally got to go back to Europe after 5 long years of asking God to let me go back there.  It was an amazing, fun, exciting (insert about 20 more positive words) trip with a dear, close friend. I met interesting people, saw the sights, played killer shows, etc.  I spent a whole day in Oxford, I visited my old haunts, was reunited with old friends… I wrote tons of new songs, made SUCH fun friends (Pamela, Chris, Pam, John, Andrew, Izzy, the Tobys, Ben!! love!!)  saw some of the best shows I’ve seen in a long time…

Then at the end of my trip (which I extended to see the guy I was dating) I had my heart completely broken.  I’ve never experienced such cruelty and coldness in a person before in my life.  I spent three weeks in England absolutely aching for home.  Oh the dreadful irony! My wish of returning to England finally fulfilled only to be tainted with a deep disappointment!  I got over it and made the best of it and enjoyed myself, but was definitely counting the minutes until I could leave.  I’m not sure when I’ve felt so alone.

There have been so many ups and downs that I can hardly stand thinking about them. What have I learned? Hmm…. a lot of things.  I think I’m still learning them.  I am learning to be grateful for what I have when I have it… at least attempting to learn that… I am trying to trust God more and take things in stride.  I am trying to let things balance each other out so that I can land with my sanity somewhere in the murky middle… and I am finding that I have strength I didn’t know was there.

A friend of mine chided me tonight for talking too much about music, which made me analyze why I talk about it so much! I have lots to say on other subjects… but I think that I talk about it because my record is a huge part of what I have had to look forward to this year.  It’s been a lovely gift from God that I have been able to work on it with close friends and spend some healing time in the studio.  My grandma was one person in my life who was always excited about my music.  She was always proud of me, and always encouraged me.  I am so sad that she won’t get to hear it.  Neither will my great aunt BeeCee, or my old band teacher (who I had planned on visiting this fall), or Rocky.

In fact, the whole reason that I am doing this record is because of my friend Rocky.  Two years ago, Rocky approached his friend Preston about working with me.  He told him, “Gayle just needs someone to care about her music.”  Preston ended up recording my Paper Box E.P. for me as a gift to help me with my tour that fall.  It opened up SO many doors for me!  Then last fall he asked me if I would like to do a full-length album together.  He has become one of my closest friends, and I have Rocky to thank.  I would not have the album I have now without Rocky.

It has been challenging, but there has been the hope of finishing and putting out something I am proud of to keep me feeling positive.  I wish I could thank Rock for helping this happen.  He was a brother to me and I am so grateful that I had the time I had with him.  Even though I have a long way to go to get the album out, I am so thankful that I have been able to record it.  It is a constant reminder of the amazing friendships that I have been blessed with, and I hope Rocky would be glad that he helped me if he could hear it.  I’m really bummed he isn’t here to lay down some killer lead guitar parts.

I know there are a few more months to go before this year ends, but I am kind of hoping that the end of the year will bring something different.  I’m hoping for a steady progression upwards!  Further up and further in, you might say.  I am hoping for less of the ups and downs and more of a slow and steady climb upwards. I know that I’m going to miss the ones I lost very much during the holidays! Nothing can change that… but I am trying to focus on the things and people I’ve gained.  New friends, album almost complete, friends to play Scrabble with (the boyfriend who let me come to England only to dump me was my most consistent Scrabble friend! lame!!!), a new church, and a trip to Lopez Island coming up in November!!

I am grateful for so many things!  Tonight I am grateful for my friend Rocky, for the rain, and for hope.